Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person

beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat

A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.

The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.

When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.

I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

7-year-old: How late can I stay up?

Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.

7: I’m going to bed now.

him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]

Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling

Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

OMG you guys!! I have abs

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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.