Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.

Me: Do you have a Summer menu?

Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.

Me:

Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.

Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part

drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.

how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

[looking at pregnancy test]

Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird

Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.

Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”

[during sex]

Hand me my reading glasses

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?

Sarcasm…

Because mocking you directly would be rude.

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers