Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?

Me in super frilly tux: Nope

*Dog walks in also wearing tux*

Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.

It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.

Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”

I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.

Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice

Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO

Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.

“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room

Silence is golden

But duct tape is silver.

ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.

Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994

The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.

Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.

Them: No we get that.

me: lol THAT’S your sword?

enemy: this blade can cut through steel

me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot