Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
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Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.