Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year

In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.

*logs onto Facebook*

*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*

*logs off forever*

The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime

Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

(during sex)

Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf

“As per my email…”

Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes

In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.

In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.

if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?

ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work

WIFE: Why

ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom

WIFE: so kill it

ME:[whispering] its got my gun

You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.

[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness

– Romayo and Juliet

“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE

Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My Anaconda: No.

[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.