Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do

Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

Husband of the year 😂

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four

My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.

Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.

Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!

I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.

“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”

– my husband right now, probably

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

Ok who’s got my black socks?

#CoronaOutbreak

Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.

1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.

1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!

2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)

PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk

“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*

Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.