Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.

If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.

Egyptians don’t walk like that.

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!

scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.

My wife makes us recycle everything.

*empties condom into sink*

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]

Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.

-Bowser K.

Mom: Where are you?

Me: Mumbai

Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.

It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.

*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*

Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip

seems fine

“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.

SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*

A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?