Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore

Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.

A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”

young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam

distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

You learn something every day

On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.

No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.

[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?

My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram

A group of toddlers is called a migraine

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that