me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
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[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out![]()
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
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