Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere

If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.

if my sleeping schedule was a person

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM

put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about

How do dragons blow out candles?

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

me as a parent

When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less

The guy:

[first day as a cashier]

customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper

me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

Twitter fine art

Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye

Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.

If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?

A Swallow.

very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: hmm, that’ll be too much

Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.

I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.

Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?