me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
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today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.