me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
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[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?