me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
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me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
Life hack
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”