Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*feels comfortable*

comfortable: *slaps hand away*

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.

I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.

[job interview]

BOSS: Describe yourself

ME: Can’t you see me?

I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.

Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”

Swiper (on Tinder): …

Siri: Retweet me.

[costume shop]

Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?

“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.

just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”

Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”

A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out

Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his