Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..

4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!

My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.

When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?

Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw

Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.

Where’d he go? 😂💛

doggosbeingdoggos

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

sounds kinky. i’m in.

Nobody:

Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”

doctor: any allergies?

me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.

me: want to read more harry potter?

7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore

me: dumbledore

7: right, dumpledore

me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

✌️

What were you doing in the shower for so long?

Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain

How it started How it’s going