me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
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Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that