me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
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M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.
I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻♂️
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?