Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.

My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work

5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins

Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.

Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*

Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.

Dietest Coke

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

I feel seen.

Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

😂

Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop

Son: Why

[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]

Me: He’s a racist

My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a parapsychologist.

Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?

Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.