Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?

Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

Her : I like you

Me : You’re mistaken

When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”

Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it

The ladies call me Space Mountain…

…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.

Wooooohhhhooooo!!!

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.

I was enjoying listening to this barista loudly roast every customer to her coworker as they exited until she referred to “the old guy” who was clearly my age.

My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.

–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.

Birds & Planes.

[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

“You’re great in bed.”

— me, talking to my breakfast

Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

8yo: Can you just say nothing?

3yo: Nothing

8yo: No, just say nothing

3yo: Nothing!

8yo: No, can you just be silent?

3yo:

3yo: NOTHING!

if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir