Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud

Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry

where the womens at?

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”

First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.

getting seasonal up in here

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

Santa: *deep sigh*

Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Covid?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?

S: *nods vigorously*

John Lennon got shot and died.

Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.

Not even a contest.

I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.

my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

[inventing napkin dispensers]

bob: it has 2 settings

exec: ok

bob: 1 at a time

exec: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

exec: first of all I love it

ME: I’m off to turn some tricks

WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’

*deletes your contact information*

Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.