Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.

I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.

“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.

My spirit animal is fried chicken

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.

Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor

Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?

Me: Yes, I do.

Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?

Me: I’m not sure.

Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!

ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else

HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again

me: if you love someone set them free

boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners

me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad

ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo

THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down

They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that

Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.

Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.

Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.

[5 seconds later]

Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.

Mistakes were made

Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?

Me: can I go?

Boss: of course.

Me: [goes home]

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day

Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.