Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
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I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Once again not all heroes wear capes
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
What the dentist sees
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers