Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
You Might Also Like
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I’m Sold!
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!