Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us

My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.

Adult. I was an adult.

Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”

ME, 10: I want a big mansion

ME, 20: I want a cool apartment

ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest

Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.

Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…

My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up

Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.

When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.

*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*

[abducted aboard a UFO]

Alien: Take us to your leader

Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?

A: We’ll return you, unharmed

M: Not… not even a probe?

A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans

M: *pouting* Even if I say please?

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*

Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good

A dating app for angry people- Grumble

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.

Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit

How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?

[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.

Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.