Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?

I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.

Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.

When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.

“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”

my lawyer: deny everything

me: no

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.

Well, not on my watch.

My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready

Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute…

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people

If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.

I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.

Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?

The second world war should have been called world war returns

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene