Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.

Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.

[on my way back to the posting caves]

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke

Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires

I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

bat life

*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store

My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.

I’ve never related to anyone less.

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?

Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful

It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.

when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom

Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!

Me: I am

Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!

Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.