Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
You Might Also Like
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
catch me on valentine’s day like
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”