Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.

*pronounces injury like lingerie*

This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃

When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me:

Teen: [returns to bedroom]

Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]

[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]

Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.

netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it

Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.

me: i got into harvard!

cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money

Chicken bread

10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.

Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?

Snapes on a plane.

“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”

“The ball kind?”

“No, for under my arms.”

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀