ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
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“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.