ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

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I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.


Probably karma that Will Smith made a song about parents not understanding and then had a son who literally no one understands.


Me: That’ll teach me

Also me: No it won’t


The best part of being a bear would be waking up from hibernation and immediately killing something


Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today



plumber: i’ve come to do the pipes

salazar slytherin: make sure they’re big enough for a giant snake

plumber: why

salazar slytherin: no reason


DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]


[Bank Robbery]
Put all the money in the bag and no one-

*sees guy wearing a Maroon 5 shirt*

MOST people won’t get hurt!!


I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.