@RCKruseKontrol: ME: *coughing* I'm sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
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@ashleyaustrew: Me: I do f-ing everything around here! I'm sick of it! Family: *tries to help* Me: That's not...what are you...no...wrong...LET ME DO IT
@JohnLyonTweets: I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
@daemonic3: Had sex with a condom tonight. Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
@rickygervais: "Let there be me." God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
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