@RCKruseKontrol

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

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@pattioshankable

I’ve discovered the best way to punish 17, is to put on the same outfit as her, then follow her around all day yelling out “TWINSIES!”

@KyleMcDowell86

ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?

@Shen_the_Bird

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”kelkulus”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3278807262/1fcf70b5a66e936d490699028532762d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”345264325499428865″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”125″;s:5:”tweet”;s:125:”My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@bobvulfov

DEODORANT: ugh i hate my job, gotta go in his gross armpit all the time
TOILET PAPER: bro

@2browneyedboys

me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*

@HeyZeus666

I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem.

I threw my scale out.