ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
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Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation