@UncleBob56: Her: I don't recognize you're accent. Me: *swallows* It's donut.

@crushingbort: #ThingsGirlsDoThatGuysHate tease a man and get all his attention while the second velociraptor ambushes him from his blind spot

@Where__wolf: "Dad Is that a killer whale?" "No son thats an orca" "Oh. Well what's a killer whale?" "U see that whale that's covered n tats & smokin weed

@BunAndLeggings: 1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus! Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!? 1yo: Jesus! Me:Oh my God.... 1yo: Jesus! Me: she's.... a prophet! 1yo: Jesus!! Me: Show me! Where is Jesus! 1yo:*points* Jesus!! Me: cheez-its??... cheez-its! You want cheez-its? 1yo: yes! Jesus.

@KeetPotato: [if trump wins somehow] alien: "i said take me to your leader" me: "dude i swear this is him"