@RCKruseKontrol

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

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@GingerHotDish

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

@senderblock23

Probably karma that Will Smith made a song about parents not understanding and then had a son who literally no one understands.

@Adyaces

Me: That’ll teach me

Also me: No it won’t

@dumbbeezie

The best part of being a bear would be waking up from hibernation and immediately killing something

@Ygrene

Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today

@tweetsbyrocket

[hogwarts]

plumber: i’ve come to do the pipes

salazar slytherin: make sure they’re big enough for a giant snake

plumber: why

salazar slytherin: no reason

@roxiqt

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

@sad_tree

[Bank Robbery]
Put all the money in the bag and no one-

*sees guy wearing a Maroon 5 shirt*

MOST people won’t get hurt!!

@Lisa_Laughs_

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.