ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

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damn girl, you got a butt that WON’T QUIT *butt pulls out a knife* wait, no- *butt stabs me* no, stop- *butt doesn’t stop* …et tu, bootay


“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”


“I Got a new dress for date night!”

Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*

“This is the garment bag you idiot”


[@ Sunbeam Bread factory job interview]
Boss: Your resume says you are “definitely not 3 ducks in a suit.”
3 Ducks In A Suit: That’s correct


You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!


[first day as therapist]

patient: i’m in a weird place

me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap


I need a punctuation mark that is halfway between a period and an exclamation point so I can answer texts without sounding bored or insane.


If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.


Opening a bag of M&M’s will produce no sound to a normal human. A toddler, it’s like the atomic blast at Nagasaki to those creatures