Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool

During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please

Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.

Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

Amazon Prime: can I take your order

Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg

Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no

Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol

Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job

Me, Playing Twister

10: I win again!

20: Let’s play naked!

35: The dots seem farther apart.

45: I need to go to the ER.

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world

WAITER: Yes

ME: My compliments to the chef

We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.

[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’