Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

Me: objection your honour!

Judge : sustained

Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?

My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.

Pro tip:

If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.

She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.

me: spell “Fanshaw”

British person:

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.

Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”

That’s not what I –

“Please stop. Let me do this.”

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

“eat what’s in season” the health people said

Me:

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio

Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.

Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?

Me: yeah looks like it

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

I can’t stop laughing 🤣

I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”