Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
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I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
So glad we cleared that up