Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
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[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
It’s an epidemic…
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy