Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
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If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Rather alarming headline…
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If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
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Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Hey i am sexy to you now
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