Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: why do u look sad

me: I have wrongdog

friend: what’s wrongdog

me: *big breath in*

Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.

God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.

My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”

Do one thing every day that scares people.

“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”

The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge

My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.

My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.

ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?

Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.

Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?

Robber: kindergarten probably

if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done

Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

Me: Know any potato jokes?

My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?

My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.

FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.

The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees

My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN