Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

People just like to argue.

People: No we don’t

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord

ME: hey did u get my letter?

HER: No

ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now

HER: You mean carrier pigeon?

ME: lol what

I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.

A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.

not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here

My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”

A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.

Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.

PATENT PENDING!!

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it

[at home]

ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed

me: well..what’s the problem

ac repair guy: just shit in the filter

me: wait..to fix it??

Optimist: The cup is half full.

Pessimist: The cup is half empty.

Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.

Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?

Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?

My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok