me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
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Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.