Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.

YOLO!

Jesus: Hold my wine!

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

I have always wanted to do this 😭😭

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?

GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”

GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”

I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays

It will be called Side Chick.

Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?

Dr: do you eat healthy?

Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales

Dr:

Me: the hummuses

Dr: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.

GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?

ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this

Cause of death: Zumba

My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…

Teamwork makes the dreamwork

“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat

my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.