Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.

Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november

Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.

I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.

I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs

We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.

Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: solving equations

professor 3: wow

If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.

I’m attending a party tonight with The Missus. It’s a bunch of her coworkers who I don’t know.

The negotiations to get me to go went something like this:

The Missus: we have been invited to a New Year’s Eve party and we’re going.

Me: OK

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

Driving between speed cameras is called intermittent fasting.

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”

Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

*me struggling with life*

I guess I should start watching a new show.

colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan

I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”