Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew

my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.

It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today

My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.

Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food

I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.

i prefer mine room temperature.

accountant: do you have any dependents?

me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.

Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?

jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob

In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.

Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol

I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.

Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.

Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.

Boss: But we’re not serving food.

Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

McKay Coppins:

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.