Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
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If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows