Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”

[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?

My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?

them: you don’t work here

me: i know it was really tough getting past security

*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream

Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out

calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.

If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

*getting kidnapped*

Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits

of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool

100% of divorces begin with marriage.

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..

Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.

My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.

I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:

“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs

*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*

Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.