Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sneeze one]

Bless you

[sneeze two]

Bless you

[sneeze three]

You are under arrest

Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.

*Good Will Hunting*

Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?

me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.

Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.

Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.

A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..

Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I want money.

Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.

I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.

How to Be a Librarian:

1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH

[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real

“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.

When you’re riding with someone and they tell you about all the wrecks they’ve been in…

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️

Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?

Thank you.

Brb my Sims are getting married

If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.