Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!

Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*

make up your mind

“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?

Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up

Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler

The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.