Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

You need subtitles.

Me to every 2yr old.

When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?

…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.

me: I should go to sleep

my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.

my heart: everyone is mad at you.

my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down

I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name

They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.

How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?

My dating profile:

*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*

[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.

[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?

waiter: no they can’t reach the table

[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert

Him You’re the reason I’m up at night

Me: Awww

Him: Please stop calling me at 2am

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method