Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.

Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”

twitter is a journey

I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi

If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.

Saying “3 twins” is wild.

This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.

[Therapy]

Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?

Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.

Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”

– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”

Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”

*Creating a new social media app*

“It’s good but will it divide people? If not then what’s the point.”

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

hmm conte-me mais

Waiter: And how would you like your steak?

Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory

Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits

garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?