Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string

I beg your pardon?

DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?

ME: No thank you.

I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!

I hope I’m doing this right…

It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.

Always leave them wanting their money back.

[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.

Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.

Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.

*walks into starbucks*

Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!

*has choice of any table*

HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…

Me: Here’s half my income.

Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.

A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble

Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.

HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.

A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.

I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero

Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit

I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”

employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad

Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?

It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”

I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea

me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment

gf: orchids

me: whoa we should get married first

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper