Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

[Bowling date]

Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…

Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

My mama didn’t raise no fool.

Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.

So can we start calling them Traylor now?

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*

age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing

Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

Him: I hope I die first.

Her: Aww you can’t live without me?

Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

Sleeping In A Car By Age:

12 And Under: Very cool

13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal

18+: Uh-Oh

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…

*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”

Mmmm yeah, you like that?

Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.

if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world

Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.

*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?

WIFE: Cooler

ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again