Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!

Me: *don’t care*

Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie

Me: *jealous rage*

Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.

*At animal group therapy*

Moderator: introduce yourselves please

Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …

Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…

Sperm whale: do we have to do this?

I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.

My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*

Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.

Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.

it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect

Me: *leaves body to science*

Science: *starts crying*

I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.

I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me

A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.