Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.

Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….

* flips hair, potato chip falls out *

*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*

When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high

marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.

I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.

“I have to poop”

~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones

I am religious. I religiously avoid church.

[getting arrested for public nudity]

Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD

Me: …

Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

this is what they would have looked like, though

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.

to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy

OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.

Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.