Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
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[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.