Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
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Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
*3.5 thank you very much.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.