Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805

I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

Date: I like old fashioned guys

Me: I have polio

I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason

Don’t tell me how to lift my baby

I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good

Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.

[seaworld]

“Hey what happened to the new guy?”

-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6

“But there’s a shark in tan..”

-BINGO!

Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.