Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.

Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…

Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.

my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling

I think my mom just blocked me

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*

I hate celery. 🤮🥴

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer

God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

St. Peter: “Spock?”

Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”

St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”

Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.