me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
You Might Also Like
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days