@Browtweaten

me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?

woman holding urn full of ashes:

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@oldfriend99

The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band

@ClichedOut

her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia

@TheHyyyype

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

@ArfMeasures

“My friend got me a Fitbit”
ME: Oh yeh, heard of them, haven’t got one tho
“u can buy them online”
ME [whispering] u can buy friends online?

@deedles420

If a conspiracy theorist tries to suck you into one of their wacky stories, just counter it with an even crazier theory.

Them: the moon landing was fake!

You: dude u still believe the moon is real? *shake ur head & walk away*

@JoshRaby

It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

@iamspacegirl

snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool

@foodfacenow

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

@Sammart123

Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him

@PaperWash

Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?

EXCUSE ME?!

*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad

*snaps newspaper* that’s better