Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”

Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.

Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*

An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.

Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.

Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too

DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?

ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”

If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them

cause that’s creepy AF

Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.