me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
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People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Food gives you energy to nap more.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”![]()
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”![]()
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.