Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
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Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Butt weight. There’s more!
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio