Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.

ㅤ

My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…

It’s called Wordle”

THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY

Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie

Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…

Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment

In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.

Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?

A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!

nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

[getting pulled over]

ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?

MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me

the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!

My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else

Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds

[watching Joker]

Joker: ha-

me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now

Joker: -ha

Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there