Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
