Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby

Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.

Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.

rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places

Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?

*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*

“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”

Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!

Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.

That worked out so much differently in my head.

– an autobiography

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.

If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch

me: that’s wonderful

7: except the things I don’t like

me: there it is.

Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.

5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?

5:

Me:

5: I’ll borrow another dollar.

[Commercial for ulcer medication]

“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”

Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

How’s my day going?

If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.

[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”

[My Wedding]

Me: I do

Guests: Awww

Me: Or do I?

Guests: Ooooo

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.