Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

*Scrolls TL*

Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!

*sips juicebox*

me: *falls down stairs*

kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!

me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this

you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer

Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

[3am]

no one:

not a soul:

my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself

I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes

8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”

– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.

“Let’s agree to disagree.”

TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.

surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”

I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.

Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?

Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: i get everyone fired

ex professor: what wait no

Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!

First child: Eats yogurt.

Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.

Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!

Inspirational Quote Of The Day..

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???

I know a horrible idea when I see it.

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

me: do you think he’ll ever walk again

wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes

ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.