Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
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4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
an airline just for babies.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”