Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear

sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?

People often mistake me for an adult because of my age

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile

8: what did he do?

Ex: what do you think he did?

8: he drove while drinking

Ex: yes

8: AGAIN?!

Topic: Excited about mustard!

MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?

InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.

The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO

[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.

Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.

My cooking anxiety: I got this!

Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

*at plastic surgery consultation*

Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”

Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?

“This is a raw berry!”

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*

Guys talking to women online: Hey

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.