me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
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Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*