me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
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Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”