me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

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[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine


My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.


Hey online media: “Comfortability” isn’t a word. The noun you’re looking for is “comfort.” And it doesn’t need you to give it a fancy hat.


FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.


Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:

3. Remove moisture from the air

2. Remove odor from the air

1. Cover up disgusting sounds


*ex GF pulls up to drive thru where I work*
“Big mac please”
“Would u like LIES with that?!”
*my boss dragging me away*


The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.


My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease


I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap


Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”