me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
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*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.