me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
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I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.