Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
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There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
me, after any kind of buffet.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
problems i need
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO