Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
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Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Customize Your Wedding.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂