Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here

My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer

shut up and take my money

I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.

my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s

Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it

ㅤ

I love how people think those little cheese knives are for serving cheese, like awwww that’s cute no those are for *defending* your cheese, trust no one

I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up

Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!

Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.

A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank

Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.

[concert]

lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?

me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat

Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair

My cat: it’s perfect I love it

My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons

me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane

flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not

[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.

My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.