Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*

Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.

My wife left me for a fisherman.

Poor guy’s still reeling.

“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”

-Me, as a therapist.

GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie

ME: …

G: Only u didn’t give it to me

M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.

[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time

You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

Gloves!

Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over

Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.

[1st date]

HER: I like a guy with good Southern values

ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.

I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers

Taxidermist: you’re fired

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”

“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom

Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

account balance: $1400

me at wendy’s: show me the square cows

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job