Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
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Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.