Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
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If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Me trying to reach for my goals
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.