Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression

Proofread twice, hang posters once

My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms

Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

As a proud husband and father in my 40s, my New Year’s resolution is to sneeze even louder this year.

5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff

I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation

He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂

I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.

The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.

Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

*Arrives at airport checkin*

Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!

-Ticket please

Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah

It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”

[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.

I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive