Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!

me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen

My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*

Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!

4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?

Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore

In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

Pilot: There’s a loose…

Engineer: Tape.

P: And some rivets hav…

E: Tape.

P: Also signs of metal fatigu…

E: Tape.

P: And a panel is missi…

E: Tape.

P: Hydraulic failu…

E: Tape.

P: Th…

E: Tape.

P:

E: Tape.

Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.

“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo

Everyone else at laser tag: 😳

A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.

Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u

First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set

genie: what’s your 3rd wish

me: i wish u had amnesia

genie: what’s your 1st wish

WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.