Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
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If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
😆this is so true
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
plums roundup
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.