Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.

wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.

British people this week:

“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?

coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?

me: no thanks i’m not hungry

[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]

Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!

M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?

Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.

M: *mumbles* works every time

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.

Me: *opens my front door*

Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”

How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

Me: Screw you, Tuesday!

Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”

Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.

My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.